The First Thing We Do, Let’s Kill The Internet

You may find it odd that I am advocating the death of a medium from which I am currently communicating.  Without the internet, you wouldn’t be reading these brilliant ramblings of mine and your life would just be that much less interesting.  Well, I am willing to take one for the team.  It’s time we kill the internet.

But, why, Ross?  Why would we do such a thing?  How could we live without our overabundance of constantly streaming information and all those damned cat pictures?  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, MAN?

Simple – this is purely an act of self-defense.

And I don’t just mean my own self-defense.  I mean the defense of our species.  Our very existence!  The stupidity of the internet is killing us.  Plain and simple.

aliens

No, seriously, hear me out! 

If you are older than about 35 years old, you remember a time when people were forced to actually have meaningful conversations.  They debated while looking into each others’ eyes and had to suffer the slings and arrows of ridicule when the ideas they proposed were batshit crazy.  Not now.  Nope.  Today, any old idiot has a worldwide forum upon which to thrust his, or her, complete and utter insanity.  The worst part of that situation is that at least 5 million other idiots on the planet will latch onto that idiotic idea, accept it, embrace it, and continue to perpetuate the bullshit for the next 5 years.

When I was a child, if one of our lesser educated, and conspiracy-minded neighbors came over talking about how the UN was going to invade the United States, typically, they would have gotten their ass kicked. (maybe figuratively)  At a minimum, they would have been given a sympathetic pat on the shoulder and directed back to their own yard because we didn’t embrace batshit crazy people back then.  We shunned them and forced them to remain in their basement for the remainder of their lifespan.

Today, that same idiot, or his idiot offspring, has a global audience just waiting for the next batshit crazy idea to surface.  Those who read the batshit crazy story then run with it because, hey, they read it on the internet, right?  So, it must be true.  It MUST BE.  Nobody reads anything of substance anymore.  What are our kids and bored housewives reading today?  Fucking Twilight?  Shades of metrosexual wussy-man?  It’s all bullshit!  None of that shit would have gained any momentum had it not been for the internet.

My arch-nemesis, Alex Jones, would have slit his own wrists twenty years ago because he would have been forced to recognize what a fucking idiot he really is.  But, Noooooooo.  That sweaty fucker has millions of simple, weak-minded followers to believe every word that spews out of his fat, little, spittle-flinging face.  He was on the fucking HISTORY Channel recently.  HISTORY FUCKING CHANNEL!  In my youth, people like that would have been rejected and ridiculed because they had no method of connecting with other idiotic geeks for moral support, short of attending a Star Trek convention and, even then, most of those people would have laughed in his face.

Two Words:  Justin Fucking Bieber

Yeah.  The internet gave you that retard as well.  Thanks, internet.

Our society is so used to instant gratification and immediate access to all information that they no longer care if it is even TRUE.  Reality doesn’t matter.  As long as it can be referenced on a little-known innerwebz site that is only read by the guy who created the damned thing, it is now a part of the information collective.  More than half of the shit you read on the internet isn’t true.  Period.  The End.  It simply isn’t true.  But that apparently no longer matters to the average information consumer.

The internet is making us stupid.  It is also kinda creepy.  I mean, who knew so many people were into fucking cats, for crying out loud?  What happened to cats being for lonely, middle-aged women?  Apparently, approximately 70% of the earth’s population is made up of closet cat people.  WE DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW THAT!  Some things NEED to remain in the closet, for fuck sakes.

I could go on and on and on, but my head is pounding too badly to explain the rest.  So, here is the solution.

KILL THE INTERNET

Shut it off.  Destroy it.  Kill it with fire if need be, but do away with it forever.  Get your porn the old-fashioned way, keep your weird cat tendencies to yourself like a decent person, and never, ever update your status with your bowel movement proclivities.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

The internet has become THE method of communication for criminal gangs, thugs, terrorists, child molesters, crooked politicians who can’t keep their Anthony Weiner in their pants, and teenage girls who want to show everyone how sad they are and how badly they just need to be loved by that ONE guy, that ONE GUY, who won’t leave them all sticky in the back seat of a dirty Subaru and then never text them again.

STOP TELLING ME HOW SAD YOU ARE.  I DON’T GIVE A FUCK AND NEITHER DOES THAT GUY WHO JUST DUMPED YOU, OR THE GUY WHO IS GOING TO TRY TO GET IN YOUR PANTS BECAUSE NOW YOU ARE PATHETICALLY ON THE REBOUND FOR THE 7TH TIME THIS MONTH.

The idiots of the world now have the same level of access and the same decibel level as everyone else on the planet.  It has to stop.  WE must stop it.

DEATH TO THE INTERNET!

Ross