10 U.S. Code § 311 – Militia: composition and classes
(b) The classes of the militia are—
Welcome to the militia
With only a few exceptions, if you are reading this, you are a part of the militia. No kidding! You probably weren’t aware of it. Now that you are, you may want to learn a few things about the “unorganized militia” in the United States. From the 2014 standoff at Bundy Ranch to the ongoing occupation of the Malheur Wildlife Refuge in Oregon, the one thing this modern unorganized militia proves time and again is that they are indeed unorganized. We speak of leadership failures in our government, in the military, in business, even in sports and much of the frustration precipitating a militia call-up is directly related to a fundamental lack of leadership. That being the case, you would hope that those rising up, taking up arms, and preparing to resist said dysfunctional government would have a better grasp of leadership and would be able to display it. You would be wrong. Very, very wrong.
Find Leaders. You don’t have any.
You have the outrage, the anger, the will, hell, you even have an apparent abundance of free time. All you need now is someone who knows what the hell they are doing. Experience with a formal military is not a requirement to serve in the militia. I’m sure it would help but it isn’t required. But, if you are going to include some people with military experience, and rely upon that experience to enhance your overall effectiveness, make sure they aren’t lying about their military service. Currently, the militias eating up all of the good air time are riddled with posers, liars, criminals, and people who inflated their military backgrounds in order to appear more cool than they really are.
Using the Oregon situation as an educational tool, let’s walk through some of the simple “lessons learned” for future militia leaders.
Plan your missions BEFORE you execute them.
This will remove certain inevitable questions like, “Where do we park?” and, “Why are we out of snacks?” Committing to an indefinite occupation without having a plan for the care and maintenance of the occupiers is a Leadership 101 level failure. The Boy Scouts could have done a better job of planning. Bullets, beans, and bandaids not withstanding, things like sanitation, power generation, heat, proper gear for the weather, and, I don’t know, maybe food should have been coordinated before launching your invasion. Take a class on sand-table exercises or change the YouTube channels you browse every day looking for more patriot porn.
Don’t put the stupid one in front of the camera.
This seems obvious, right? Apparently not. Every time one of these situations occurs, they take the dumbest hick they can find and put him out there to deal with the press. Bad juju, brother. Your spokesperson has to be articulate, intelligent, and, try this one, educated on the reason for the occupation and standoff. “We’re here to defend freedom” is not an answer that is going to get you a spot on a CNN program. Not only that, your official spokesperson should be the only person speaking to the press. Tell all of those other idiots, the ones who aren’t allowed inside the building, to shut the hell up. They won’t help your cause and they will likely say something bordering on a threat of violence or terrorism. Zip it. Direct all media inquiries to the official spokesman. You know, the smart one.
Get to know your militia.
You may be totally opposed to background checks for firearms purchases but, if you want to be a respectable organization, start checking the background of those serving under your tattered flag. Nothing says, “I’m a giant friggin jackoff” like having a British TV news channel expose one of your inner circle as a career criminal and stolen valor pussy. For a real veteran, providing proof of their military experience is a very simple thing. And not everyone was a freakin Ranger or a Navy Seal. Get over it. Everyone goes through basic training in the Army and Marine Corps. Basic training is “Basic Infantry Training” or “Basic Combat Training.” Just because they are a light-wheeled vehicle mechanic that doesn’t mean they don’t know how to shoot, move, and communicate. In fact, they will do it much better than the fake Ranger you put in charge of security.
Don’t let another militia steal your show.
In Oregon, the breakdown of leadership and control is such that other militia groups from other states are arriving and taking some of the media attention away from the originating cause. If you had real leaders, these things could be avoided. The last thing you want is for another group of guys to show up and make you look like a bunch of punks by taking over the media circus. God forbid, they might even have mightier beards than your guys, or even better guns. You can’t have that. Assert your supremacy over the uninvited interlopers. If you are lucky, there will be a shootout and your guys will be the victors. The media may actually brand your band of losers the “good guys” in that exchange. You could use the image makeover. Toss a couple of your lesser important perimeter guards to the cops as the scapegoats and bask in your non-stop coverage on CNN until the next plane crash.
Avoid looking like a terrorist.
Take a close look at the photograph above. Let’s ignore the most obvious issue of an idiot aiming a rifle at Government Officials during the Bundy Ranch standoff in 2014. That alone should have ensure this man spent some time in jail and lost his right to own a firearm. But, again, let’s ignore that. When you aim your rifle at other armed people, there is a chance those other armed people might take some offense to it. Occasionally, as with most police officers or military personnel, this situation would result in you receiving copious amounts of incoming fire. Bullets. So, if you don’t want to be compared to a terrorist, don’t do this while surrounded by a large group of non-combatant onlookers. This gives the impression you may be using those unarmed, curious onlookers as cover, or human shields, knowing it lessens the likelihood the authorities will light your punk ass up because they are aware of the innocents surrounding you. For this, you win the rank of VanillaISIS punk who should have been butt-stroked in the back of the head and tossed over the side of the overpass. If you were part of my militia, you may have been summarily executed. You aren’t a soldier. You aren’t a freedom fighter. You’re a punk. And punks aren’t allowed in my militia.
So, there you have it. A little advice on how to not be a giant penis while claiming to stand for freedom and justice. Give it a try. If you can’t manage it, give me a call. I know a guy.